Sometimes you just have to show up, even when you have nothing to give. Even when you have convinced yourself that no one wants to read what you have to say, or see your art, or hear about your projects. Even when you imagine that you are actively avoided, that you are the person people cringe when they see coming down the street. Oh no, not her again. Let’s hope she doesn’t ask us to read her writing. Maybe if we look the other way, and move quickly, we can avoid her gaze.
If you read the acknowledgment pages of novels, you will quickly see that you need a gang. You can make art by yourself, of course, but to really bring it out into the world, for the consumption of others, you need help. Asking for help when you are actively hating your own creations is difficult. Asking for help when you have a history of rejection, neglect or indifference is very difficult.
I’ve been trying to sell my writing since I was in my teens, and lately, I’ve just given up. I’ve tried submitting to publishers, to agents, with no luck. I’ve tried self-publishing, to very little interest. I’ve read hundreds of books on writing, studied writing magazines, studied favorite authors. I’ve published 5 short stories over the years, self published 4 novels and a coloring book, and I have 2 other completed novels, one second draft novel and 2 first draft novels. I have 11 completed short stories that were never published. I have 6 other unfinished stories, and a file of unfinished novel ideas. After two years of trying to get an agent for a book that I thought was good, and not even getting a request for a full read, I couldn’t keep going.
Now my creativity group wants to meet online today. Hell, I’ve been creative. So much creativity- sewing, crafts, learning new things, trying different artistic endeavors, blogging, knitting, drawing… but writing? no, not so much. I open the file of my novel, look at it, and sigh. I might write a word or two, or jot down a note, but my progress has just… stopped. It shames me to realize that doing it for its own sake is not motivating any more. If I don’t think anyone besides me will see any worth in it, I can’t continue. So the choice is, ask for help, or put this part of my life away, purposefully letting it go. My creativity group, the Inspiritors, are very supportive, wonderful people, all pursuing their own projects, like developing a board game, writing a picture book, growing an art business and coming up with solutions to pandemic cancellations.
Hi, my name is Jane. (Hi Jane!)
It’s been 4 months since I last wrote in my novel.
